An experience related to my depression is the death of a good friend. I never had the chance to say him goodbye and I just I couldn’t handle the situation. I didn’t want to feel the pain and the grief. I tried to hold on to life by spending very many nights away, experimenting with drugs and alcohol and laughing with my friends. I don’t regret this period. I had a very great time but I didn’t realize that there was something lurking in the dark…
After a few months it was like I suddenly found myself in a deep pit. Everything went by and I realized that I didn’t. I went to the doctor and he concluded that I had a depression. I thought by myself: So: “I’m depressed, now what?” The docter suggested me to take some medication. I immediately became defensive. I wanted to try a different way to deal with it. My first step towards the doctor has been good. The fact that I refused to take medications was very significant for me. In all the months that I was feeling flat… there was like finaly something moving inside of me again.
Sometimes people said they did not understand why I was depressed (who does understand?). They were saying things to me like: Why would you feel depressed? You’re so nice, you’re so pretty or you have such a sweet boyfriend and family. All these things left me feeling very alone. Luckily there were a few people with whom I could talk and who took me seriously. Keeping to talk to these people helped me to share my heavy burden. Another step that helped me was yoga. As a little child I often watched my father in the garden doing breathing exercises and yoga-asana’s. Together with my dad I went to yogaclasses… I got in touch with my breathing, my body and my feelings.
Comedian Najib Amhali talks in one of his shows about depression. For me, he gives beautiful imaginery of how depression can feel: He woke up one day en there was very heavy man lying on him, like a big and fat wrestler. Najib couldn’t come out bed because of the very heavy man lying on him. Najib barely manages to get out from under the man. When the phone ringed, he tried to pick up the phone. But because of the fat man a hanging on him, Najib couldn’t walk through the door. Together they didnt fit through the door. Fighting with the big, fat man didn’t help me out. I had to learn to live with him. I asked myself: How can I despite the big, fat and heavy man on my back still go to a friend or to the shop?
I’d be lying if I said I never feel alone or even depressed anymore… but through the years I learned to share. I can share. And that’s important thing: you feel alone, but you’re not alone. And even more important for me: as the big, fat and heavy man is on my doorstep again… I will let him in and drink a cup of tea.